By the left . . . “Thanks, menopause.” Laura Mullin faces reality to find silver-lining light

By Laura Mullin

“Let’s try it again from the last part of the strath,” says the pipe-major.

We blow up, he counts us in, and almost everyone begins as one. It’s the fifth bar before I join because I suddenly cannot remember how the fourth part goes. We’ve just played through the whole tune four times. No matter. These days, it seems I can’t start a tune in any part except for the first part.

Thanks, menopause.

I must confess, it caught me off guard. I would have thought more people would be talking about something that affects literally one-half of the human race. I had heard about hot flashes, but until the cognitive problems began, I had no idea that was part of it.

And let me tell you, it scared the s**t out of me.

Then I started talking to some friends, and it all came out. Many of us were silently experiencing myriad scary and weird symptoms, all stemming from the point in life when we’re just starting to hit our stride, and then little aliens move into our bodies and brains and really start messing us about.

“The Dreaded Hot Flash (great name for a tune, by the way).”

We were all experiencing it but not really talking about it. For me, it’s undoubtedly making piping a little less fun. That sucks because piping is the “just for me” part of my life. It’s my special thing – a little time to myself each day where I briefly escape the world’s troubles. But now, like all the other areas of my life, it’s become fraught with worries about how my symptoms are going to affect my performance.

What symptoms? Many women experience some or all of the following:

• Sleep disruption
• Heart palpitations
• Muscle loss
• Joint stiffness
• Incontinence
• Weight gain
• Depression
• Anxiety
• Tinnitus
• Vertigo – yes, sometimes in the middle of a performance
• Cognitive issues – yes, sometimes in the middle of a performance
• Loss of self-confidence (no kidding)
• _____________________ (insert your symptom here)

I’ve left the best one for last: the Dreaded Hot Flash (great name for a tune, by the way).

Imagine you’re in the circle, in the middle of a medley. All focus and concentration. Hornpipe? Solid. Strathspeys? Bouncy! You’ve just hit a great break to the reels . . . when it starts.

From deep in the pit of your stomach, the tandem duo of Nausea and Heat arise and engulf your entire body. There’s a weird fluttering in your ears. It lasts for the rest of the medley, and you’re dripping with a cold sweat when it (and the medley) finally ends.

At least, that’s what my hot flashes feel like. Ask a hundred other women, and you’ll get a hundred different descriptions, but the effect on performance and concentration will be the same.

Given the current demographics of piping and drumming, we’re often the only person in the band experiencing this, which can be isolating when we’re trying to give our best performance.

The good news is that at some point (so I’m told), we get through menopause, and the symptoms, including the cognitive ones, usually resolve. And it turns out that being part of a pipe band can help. According to Harvard Medical School, there are “three major pillars for maintaining intact memory” through menopause: “effortful physical activity, effortful cognitive activity, and social contact.”

Pipe bands tick all three boxes.

If one of your bandmates is in the middle of her menopause journey, the most important thing you can do to help is understand that what is going on is real. Some of the symptoms might be happening in my brain, but they are definitely not all in my mind.

You could also hold my pipes during my sometimes frequent bathroom breaks, so I don’t have to take them into the sketchy Port-a-Loos at the games. Also, please refrain from telling me how tired I look. You’d look tired, too, if you woke up four times a night on average.

Most importantly, if I’m emotional or frustrated, know that my frustration is real but not directed at you. I am not “flighty,” “silly,” “weak,” or “hysterical,” but I am lacking estrogen, which feeds my brain.

I’ll try my best to keep piping through menopause, but if you want me to leap right into the last part of the strathspey, even if we have just played it, please sing it a little before we start.

Laura Mullin is a first-rate piper and writer who has contributed several pieces to pipes|drums. A member of the Grade 1 Toronto & District in the 1980s and ’90s, she took a long break to commit herself to family and career and is now whole-hog back at competitive piping as a member of the Grade 2 St. Andrew’s College Association and occasional solo piper. She likes to play for friendly snare drummers and weather major home renovations in her spare time.

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